A Paradox of Motherhood

This is a paradox of motherhood: We would give anything for some alone time, yet we are often lonely. Well, at least I am.

You see, I am rarely alone because my munchkin is with me constantly. As a result, I crave the kind of “alone time” that would entitle me to use the bathroom without someone pulling at my pants, or read a book with more than four words on each page, or go to a coffee shop and actually drink coffee.

While my son and I have a lot of fun (morning dance parties come to mind), he’s not yet adept at enthralling conversation. So despite my constant company, I often feel lonely.

I need adults. More specifically, I need other moms. Playdates, you see, are not just for the kiddies. Playdates are just as important, if not more so, for the moms. We need each other. We need advice, support, laughter, clothing swaps, and spare diapers in a pinch.

But if your circle of friends is mostly childless, as mine was before baby, then you need to reach out to new friends. New mommy friends.

This can be tricky. Just because someone has a kid the same age as yours does not mean that you will become instant best friends. Au contraire. Parenting brings up a freight train’s worth of potential conflict issues. If you are a cloth-diapering, baby-wearing, extended breastfeeding, organic homemade food kind of momma, you may not jive with a disposable-diapering, plastic-everything, formula-feeding, processed food sort of mom.

But you may also be pleasantly surprised.

Having a baby creates common ground where there once was none. Mothers understand sleep deprivation, tantrums, poop explosions, and the boredom that comes from being cooped up in your house every day. Moms understand loneliness. While my mommy friends and I might not have everything in common, playdates with these women have become oases in some very, very long weeks.

Obviously parenting styles differ widely, and while I will avoid you if you’re a yeller (or worse, if you smoke around your kids), chances are we can get along even if we don’t agree on cry-it-out or co-sleeping.

The key is getting out there. But a first playdate is nearly like a first date, complete with all the requisite anxiety and planning. Will she like me? Will she like my kid? Will we have anything in common? Am I too dressy? Too slobby? Do I have broccoli in my teeth? Wow, look at her nails…

Inevitably, your child will be “out of sorts” that day. He will cling and whine, when he is normally very outgoing and happy. You will spend the playdate apologizing (“he’s not usually like this”), convinced that your new mommy friend will never call you again.

But she will, because she has a baby too. And nobody’s baby is perfect every day. You might not agree on politics, and you may eat everything from a box while she cooks from scratch, but you are both mothers. And chances are, you are both lonely.

There is something very unnatural about mothers raising their children alone in their houses. We need community, we need friends, and we need help.

Well, at least I do. Coffee, anyone?