10 Things You Should Never Say

A little while ago, a young mom told me how a stranger had tried to offer some advice while her two-year-old was throwing an epic tantrum in public. When the mother politely said that this was not a good time, the woman began to tell the frazzled mom (and now apoplectic child) that the incident reminded her of a McDonald’s commercial she once saw. This got me thinking – there are some things you should just never say to a new mom. My list is below. Feel free to add your own.

And don’t say I didn’t warn you.

1. “You look tired.”
Oh, really? Do I? You don’t say. Maybe that’s because I haven’t slept in NINE MONTHS. Now shut up and pass the coffee. Oh, I’m sorry, did that sound cranky? Maybe that’s because I haven’t slept in NINE MONTHS.

2. “Wow, it sounds like your baby is difficult.”
Difficult? Excuse me? He is not difficult. My baby is the smartest, brightest, happiest child in the world. Only I am allowed to say that he is difficult. Now shut up and pass the coffee.

3. “Why didn’t you come out last night? You missed a really great time.”
I know I missed a great time. I know I never come out any more. Don't rub it in. I’m too exhausted to even think about putting on a nice pair of shoes, much less finding a matching outfit and purse that aren’t covered in baby puke. A party is not something my sleep-deprived self can handle right now, so please don’t remind me of all the fun I might be missing. On second thought, maybe you are the one missing all the fun. How do you know that my house is not the coolest, most happenin’ place to be a Friday night? Maybe it’s a party here every single night, and you’re just not invited.

4. “Wow, you look great for just having had a baby.”
Ok, this one isn’t bad for those who have just given birth. But my son is nearly 10 months old. I didn’t “just” have a baby. So please just say that I look great, full stop, even if I don’t.

5. “Shouldn’t your son be wearing mittens?”
Yes, he should be wearing mittens. And, in fact, he was wearing mittens until 10 seconds ago, when he pulled them off for the fifth time and threw them onto the street. He was wearing mittens, even though he wails when I put them on like they are some sort of torture device. Anything else you’d like to know? No? That’s what I thought.

6. “Do you want some advice?”
This is fine in some situations – everyone needs advice from those who have been there. But exhausted and frustrated moms rarely want advice in the midst of a crisis, especially if they don’t know you. If a child is screaming in the middle of a store, her mom does not want to hear about the tantrums your child used to have. She just wants to get out of there without killing someone, so get out of her way.

7. “Don’t you just LOVE being a mom?”
Depends on the day. Most of the time, yes. Sometimes, no. Don’t ask it like there is an obvious answer, like we all LOVE being moms every single hour of every day. On a day when my child refuses to nap, bites my nipple while nursing, pukes green beans all over my best sweater, and leaves a poop trail across my bathroom floor, I do not LOVE being a mom.

8. “Should you really be drinking wine when you’re breastfeeding?”
Yes, I should. I really, really should. And don’t worry, I have carefully calculated when I have nursed him, when he will nurse next, and how much I’m drinking. My one glass of red wine will not kill anyone, but I might if you take it away from me.

9. “My friend’s 6-week-old is already sleeping eight hour stretches.”
Oh, really? That’s just great. I might have to crawl into a hole and die now, thank you very much. Please don’t remind me of other mothers who get to sleep. I don’t get to sleep, and it doesn’t help me to hear about other moms that do. I want to hear the horror stories about the 18-month-old kids who still wake up every two hours, or the 20-minute nappers, or the kids with night terrors, because that makes me feel better. Because it’s good to know that my kid is not totally freakish, that I’m not the only one patting bums and going “shhhh” in the middle of the night. It makes me feel less alone.

10. “When I had a baby, I was back to my pre-pregnancy clothes within a month.”
Be warned. If you say this to a sleep-deprived, stressed-out, hormonally-unbalanced new mom who still can’t fasten the button on her skinny jeans, it may be the last thing you ever say.