The Comfort of Denial

I have been trying to pull myself out of denial this week, with very little success. It’s like a deliciously heavy blanket on a cold afternoon.

You see, I’m supposed to return to work in just over two months, and this is causing me considerable stress, when I actually think about it. So I have been coping by refusing to deal with it. The result is that I still have not talked to my boss, I have made no childcare arrangements, and I have dug myself deeper under the covers. Now, with two months to go, I am in a panic because I have nothing lined up. Denial, it seems, does not accomplish anything in my absence.

But these facts have not spurred me into action. In fact, I just seem to become more paralyzed as the days tick by. I have not left the house in three days, due to exhaustion and sheer listlessness. And I don’t think that I am alone. Many of the young, well-educated, highly motivated moms that I know have no idea what to do in this next phase of our lives. Our maternity leaves are ending and we do not know what to do next. Some of us, including me, are contemplating a return to school, perhaps a complete change of career… but is that just another way of prolonging decisions for a little bit longer?

The tricky part is figuring out how to progress in our careers while being unwilling to work full-time, much less overtime. Some mothers choose to stay home full-time while their children are young, planning to return to work once the little munchkins are in school. Other moms return to work full-time right away, satisfied that their children are in high-quality daycare and will be just fine without them.

I am neither of these types. I want to work full-time and be a full-time mom. And yes, I realize that this is not possible in the current confines of our universe.

The problem with my generation of mommies is that we want to do everything, all at once. We want to be the successful academic, or the visionary director, or the superstar CEO, or award-winning writer, or whatever, but we also want to make all our baby food from scratch (and organic, of course), help with the homework, kiss the boo-boos, be the PTA leader, bake the cupcakes, and coach the soccer team. And run marathons. Oh, and we also want toned bodies and flawless hair while we’re doing it.

We are convinced that “just” being a mom is not enough. Somehow we also have to be everything that our childless friends can be. But our babies need us more than the boardroom does. There will always be someone else to step up and fill my desk chair. But no one else can be mommy to my son. I know that. But I still need to feel smart. I need to remember why I went to graduate school. I need to think and write and be a part of something bigger than my little life of avocado kisses and lullabies.

You see, I think that we can have it all. But we can’t have it all at the same time. That is a lie we women keep telling ourselves, and we are turning ourselves inside out trying to achieve the impossible. So we have to choose. We have to breathe, rest, compromise, laugh, and choose.

And I don’t know what to do.