Emerging from the Fog

Hello world!

This blog is seven months overdue, but somewhere in the haze of perpetually interrupted sleep, unending dirty diapers, a million loads of laundry, gallons of coffee and slobbery avocado kisses, I stopped writing.

But that ends today. I am emerging from the world of baby purees, strollercize and lullabies to sit down at my laptop once again.

The aim of this blog is to focus on moms (and moms-to-be) who are active, educated, motivated ... and conflicted. Yes, conflicted. My friends and I all want to stay home with our kids. But we all have law degrees or master's degrees or even PhD's. Most of us speak more than one language. We have impressive resumes, we have loads of job prospects. In short, we are a group of highly ambitious women. And we don't want to go back to work.

It's not just the childcare issue, though that is part of it. Good quality childcare is hard to find and does not come cheap. But many of us do not want to leave our babies with someone else, especially when we don't even particularly like our jobs. Perhaps it would be different if I were dying to get back to work. I, however, dread returning to my desk. Aside from the sleep deprivation, I love my new life on maternity leave. I have time to work out, to cook, to play with my baby, to scrapbook, to visit my friends... it's not a bad life. The problem is, my little family cannot really pay the bills on one salary. The other problem is, my brain is atrophying.

I have received the baby lobotomy. I used to read several different news sources every single day, several times a day. Now I'm lucky if I even glance at the local paper. I read recipe books instead of The Economist. I get excited about food processors. Really, I do. To my horror, I met a woman from Spain the other day and I could barely string two sentences together. This from someone who studied Spanish for years and traveled to Colombia and interviewed street kids about their experiences. I feel very far-removed from that woman, even though it was me. Once upon a time. Before baby.

But there is no use mourning the woman I once was. That woman slept regularly, was stretch-mark free and had all the time in the world to focus on herself. That woman is gone forever, and that's ok. I have a beautiful child and plan to have more. What I need to do is find a new balance between mommy-me and me. I still have ambitions, I still have dreams. How do they fit in with being a mother? That is what I need to figure out, amidst the avocado kisses.