Our son appears to be on an unstoppable mission of destruction. Or he is doing his best impression of the Tasmanian Devil.Either way, he seems intent on wreaking havoc in my house.
We call him “Captain Destructo.”
Although the Captain and I don’t quite speak the same language, my keen observation has deduced that these are the key elements of his mission:
1. If it contains items of any kind, empty it. This includes drawers, laundry baskets, dishwashers, purses, and backpacks. If the laundry basket in question contains folded items, wildly shake each piece of clothing to ensure that it is completely free from containment, then laugh maniacally and throw it onto the floor.
2. If it is a surface with items cluttering the top, clear it. Everything belongs on the floor, thank you very much. This applies to the kitchen table, coffee table, hallway bench, and anything else within reach.
3. If it is a pair of something (shoes, socks, gloves, etc.), divide and conquer. Ensure that the two items never see each other again. This can be achieved by grabbing a sock or shoe and crawling away as fast as possible to hide the item before mommy catches you. (And don't be deceived by his small size. Captain Destructo is fast.)
4. If it looks electronic (remote control, baby monitor, camera, etc.), bang it against the tile floor to test for durability. This test must be done quickly, before mommy intervenes, so slam the item into the floor as hard and fast as possible.
5. If it is paper, rip it, and rip it fast. Mommy will take books and magazines away very quickly, so destruction of any paper items must be done immediately.
6. If it is a plant, rip off the leaves and pull up the dirt, then eat the evidence.
7. If it is a toy, ignore it. These are decoys scattered around by parents to distract babies from the good stuff. Do not be deceived. Go for the phone, CDs, remote controls, power cords, and other obviously awesome things. Toys are for kids who don’t know any better.
8. It is essential to do all these things right after each other, as fast as you can, before mommy knows what hit her. While she is re-folding laundry, go for the CD rack. While she is replacing CDs, attack the coffee table.
9. Finally, don’t ever stop moving, and whatever you do, do not fall asleep. Mommy will clean up everything while you are napping, so resist sleep at all costs. Resist!
Today, the Captain has been very successful in completing his mission. It looks like a bomb went off in my sock drawer. CDs are all over the floor, and one of my magazines lies dismembered in the hallway. I can almost hear his victorious giggles. But mommy won the nap battle, and the house is finally quiet.
We’ll start round two in a few hours.
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